Tasha: Do You Want Us To Last?

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To the Reader: I have been trying to find the courage to have this conversation with my boyfriend. When I brooch the subject he shuts down and then so do I.  Here is what is on my mind…

Things have not been right with us for a very long time. Yet our strong love for each other has kept us together. We both have stayed away from seeking and telling the truth because we are afraid it will drive us apart. Neither one wants that because one of the best things that has happened in our lives is that we met each other. So we pretend, cover up and disillusion ourselves to see the only positive things {our fiery passion, friendship and mutual admiration for each other). The filtering is so strong that we are losing our true selves and developing ways of coping with the parts of our relationship we are not facing.

You: Not sleeping til 3am in the morning when your body has no choice but to shutdown. Trolling the web and reading articles so you don’t have to think about the information, knowledge already in your head. Your mind ,  body and spirit is taking a toll.
And it’s not just our relationship you are not facing but other things in your life.

Me:  Filling my every waking moment with activities that are designed to distract, delay, and replace the truth. I put so much on my plate that I don’t have time to stop, think, and reflect. Whether they are worthy causes like volunteering and fundraising, working 60 hrs/week, or shopping/eating excessively, I try to fill any void,  a gap that can only be satisfied with being a peace with myself.

These things I have not said to you just because I am worried of what it will do to our relationship. It’s also because I don’t think you will listen. I wish you would be brave for me…for you.

The problem is now I am on a quest to seek the truth, not only in our relationship but all the areas of my life (career, fitness, relationships), what is truly blocking me from achieving my goals.  In 2015, I started this journey of huge transformation in all areas of the my life. In 2016, I expect to start seeing fruits from the insights, learnings and development work I have put put into growing. I will definitely not be the same; I will be better. I would love the same for you.

I am ready to be the warrior that I already am. It will be tough but I know the results will be amazing.  I truly believe in my heart that we can have my hearts desire if we remove these blockers. This cycle of coping mechanisms has to end if we truly want to grow.

We can survive, I think, anything but only if we face the truth. I guarantee you we will not if we don’t.  I no longer want to live in the dark. I want to shine in the light.  Love has no boundaries; let’s stop creating them and explore how deep our love can really be.

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When men stop calling…

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Tarsha….

Gather a bunch of women together and we all have a story about a dude we were feeling who didn’t call after asking for her number and/or  stood her up for a date. After a certain age, I think that this behavior is just downright disgusting.

Recently I met a man while in line to buy my morning cup of coffee.  I hadn’t  had my daily cup of java, and I just finished a long commute on the  train so I’m not in a good mood, however the gentleman next to me is jovial and a chatty mouth. He captures my attention although he’s shorter than me and not really my type:-)

As I exit the joint he stops me to ask the typical “do I know you?” Um “no you don’t” I replied. Seriously, folk don’t “know me” in Chicago.  He makes small talk and then asks for my business card. I broke my cardinal rule and gave my real information to a stranger. Usually I give my nickname, Tarsha so folk can’t google me. Tasha and I have unique first names with the same nicknames:-)

We spent a few days chatting  and I began feeling this dude, named Che.

He’s educated, smart, spiritual, funny and conscious. Traits I love in men and was seeking. The not my type issue was fading. I can roll with a short guy with those qualities.

He seems very interested and tells me often, lays on the compliments thick and begins calling me pet names like Bae and Baby (I love pet names but not too soon, more on that later)

More importantly he tells me all the details about himself, including a recent divorce and desire to teach/ be a scholar.  I’m thinking wow this guy is really interested in me.

We decide to meet for coffee after work on a Monday, just to get that initial “We met, but need to lay eyes on each other before proceeding” out of the way.

I’m off so I tell him I can work around his schedule.

It turned out to be a busy day for him and by 7 p.m. he was still at work and had called to say her was trying to finish up a project because I wanted to see me. That’s the last time I heard from him.

The next day I text him “WTH happened” he gave the litany of excuses—busy, stressed out etc. followed with the “I apologize and I’ll call” He never called.

I didn’t speculate if he was hurt in a car crash or contracted Ebola like I would have in my 20’s, I simply deleted his information. Another one bites the dust. However, I can’t front, I was disappointed I began to really like this guy.

However, intellectually I know this is a huge red flag and one not to ignore.

One of the biggest character traits I’m looking for is emotional maturity. These actions signal an emotionally irresponsible man, someone who is not thinking of others, lack of common courtesy and respect.

Simply put, an emotionally mature man who is sincerely interested in you will find a way to let you know that he can’t make it.

He would send a text, email, smoke signal, bird with message or a message in a bottle.

Sigh….part of dating I guess.

Well Tasha and I are back. I’ve been dating and have a ton of crazy ass stories.

Sorry we’ve been away and let this blog slip, but we’re back and ready to keep you informed and entertained.

Stay tuned…

The Missing Tile

TASHA: Lately I have been focusing on what is missing from my relationship. The fact that my boyfriend and I are not living together, I still have not met his mom (and most likely never will), If he is injured or in the hospital I have no way of knowing without mounting a full-on investigation.  That’s huge deal of things to focus on. Those are deal breakers for most relationships.
But here I am after 15 years (on and off relationship; on for the past 2.5 years) still with the same man. It is not as if other men don’t find me attractive and worthy of being in a committed relationship. In fact, recently, I met a man that could have been Idris Elba’s slightly older brother, with eloquence, smarts and charm, and a smile that left my friend Merry speechless when she met him for the first time. I did nothing inappropriate (saw him only at work surrounded by people) but over time he grew quite fond of me and let me know in no uncertain terms that he was willing to step up where my boyfriend failed to meet my expectations.
But here I am, after saying no to 6’5”, muscular, chocolate skinned, financially secure “McDreamy” still with my boyfriend. Why? My logical brain has asked this many times. Here is what I can surmise so far: Love can’t be explained and it transcends all areas of doubt, lightens darkness  creates resounding joy and peace like nothing else.  Some say it makes you blind. I say it makes you value what is most important…friendship, trust, loyalty, honesty.
Now I am focusing on what is have in my relationship…a man who adores me, loves spending time with me, thinks I am super sexy even when I don’t feel it, wants to provide for me, is my best friend, supports my dreams, and even is supportive of my sons and friends. He’s not perfect. I am not perfect. We are perfect for each other.

Tarsha: First Date Jitters

 

I’ve met someone who I’m totally digging.

 Part of my interest I cannot lie is he’s a Black Man with an English Accent…Yes like Idris Elba….

His command of English with the added words like  Love, Dearest and Sweetheart is just so damn sexy.

Yes, men have called me all those pet names before, but it’s something sexier with an accent.

He’s also as my girl would say a McHottie. Handsome and sexy. Yes he’s as he told me smashing!

I’m up late staring at my closet wondering what to wear.

My first date ritual is to keep it causal, however I do like to wear a dress.

But it’s still cold here in Chicago and it’s too cold for cute shoes.

So I’m deciding between two different dress slacks, a sweater and cute scarf.

I’m pretty classic with my wardrobe; the difference is so slight, like V-neck sweater, or crew neck cuff in pants or just wide leg.

I’m nervous about this date. Nervousness doesn’t happen often to me, in fact only a handful of men have ever made me nervous that I’m stressing over what pair of slacks to wear.

I haven’t figured out my wardrobe, but I know the beauty I will be wearing.

I have decided on a lip color and perfume.  My first date ritual is to wear a sexy fragrance that’s kind of sweet or something another man has complimented me on in the past.  And a bright lip-gloss that enhances my smile but has wearability for eating and drinking

This date is different for me on a big level.  We’ve been so busy that we’re meeting for breakfast. A first for me because I’m not a morning person at all. Maybe this is good mojo.

I’m so excited; I hope I will get some sleep tonight.

But first I hope he calls so I can hear that accent before I snooze….

What are, if you have any, first date rituals??? Leave a comment let me know.

To be continued……

Tarsha: 2 Men, 1 Week

During one week, I met two men.

Guy Number 1

He’s tall (I like tall men) dark skin, nice physique, well -dressed (not many men can rock a bow tie) professional and a gentleman. When we chat he continually make me laugh.

We share a love of travel, books and wine.

Hmmmmm Ok, I think maybe this could lead to a good few months on dating, especially into the spring and summer when we could really get out and enjoy the sites.

During a chat, I mention that I have a friend who lives in his neighborhood.  His neighborhood is small, very few black folk reside there so he asks “What’s your friend’s name”

And when I say it, DEAD SILENCE…..

Long story short, he and my girl have been lovers or as he put it she was his dip—meaning fuck buddy for our old folk.

Wow.

He goes on to tell me that he would still like for us to proceed because he’s into me and haven’t met a woman like me in a long time.

I change the subject. We enjoy a few more minutes of conversation and the call ends.

I haven’t returned his subsequent calls or texts. I cannot proceed.

I’m out.

ImageGuy Number 2

I attended a panel discussion about Hip Hop recently. It was a full panel of mostly men. One man stands out:

Tall, long deadlocks, full beard, chocolate complexion. He’s wearing camouflage pants and Tims….AKA Timberland Boots. This look is straight Hip Hop and NYC. I’m feeling him!

And then he opens his mouth and spits some knowledge that I was so turned on.

And listening to him reminded me of

Dead Prez song called  “Mind Sex”  Take a listen, then come back.

For about 2 hours when it was his turn to speak, I listed to him discuss Critical Consciousness, Critical Empathy, Patriarchy, Neo Colonism, as well as the need to live the ancient principle of Maat (balance).

During one of his statements I clapped and wanted to scream out like I was in church on a Sunday.

At first, I was physically attracted to him and his style.

Now, I was in awe of his intellect.

For the first time ever, I decided to make a move so at the end I went and introduced myself, as well as told him how much I enjoyed his statements.

We chit chat for a bit.

I’m so into this dude, I wonder if he could tell.

I’m not sure, but I am sure his woman could tell because she promptly made herself known.

I said goodbye and I left.

I haven’t met a man who turned me on with his intellect in a very long time.

I haven’t met a man who I felt like I was an intellectual equal to in what seems like forever.

I know many smart conscious black men. However, I know very few who can understand and appreciate feminist thought and put it into perspective and check themselves. This is what Maat teaches. Personal responsibility.

This guy literally BLEW my MIND

The night before the panel discussion, I watched the movie Malcolm X. Malcolm X is one of heroes (Heru). He’s one of the few people who have been influential in my life.

As I watched, I silently prayed and asked for my Malcolm….My Heru.

Then the next day I meet a man who embodies so much of what I want and admire in a man.

Yes he taken, but the meeting I believe is the Universe way of saying “Soon Come”

Tarsha: Men and Makeup

ImageMy girl Nikki is in a new relationship and happy. As is Tasha, which is why she has not been posting/ writing, she is  all booed up with her longtime love. I am happy for them both. I love, Love.

Anyway Nikki, my beautiful friend is also hella sexy. She is the girl that knows beauty and sexy and does it right. So naturally her new boo loves her sexy that is until his damn insecurities jump in.

She shared with me that now (after a year plus dating) that he said that he does not like when she wears eyelashes because he adore her eyes and the false lashes conceal her eyes.

I read the text message and laughed out loud.

Every woman know a lash enhances the eye.

My laughter was more about this: When men start with that “I don’t like makeup, you don’t need it, stop wearing it bullshit” well that’s their shit coming out and putting it on you.

The Second Agreement from the book “The Four Agreements”

Don’t Take Anything Personally

Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

Basically –what people do is their shit!

Nikki and I had a full laugh and conversation about men and makeup.

I am a beauty girl. Always have been.  My favorite toy as a child was the Barbie Head where I could make up her face and do her hair.

“I joked with Tasha that even in the hospital dying, please make sure I have on some lip gloss, preferably a YSL gloss with some shine.

I have dated my share of men who after dating and liking me for my beauty girl habit wanted me to stop wearing makeup.

The afro-centric men to the tenth power are the worst. I wrote about them in my previous post.

One told me Women don’t wear pants or all that makeup and that as a black woman I didn’t need to wear it.

He wanted me to stop being me. He also said some bull shit historical stuff to try and convince me and all I kept thinking about were all the images of Ancient African women adorned, not only with Kohl liner, but hair braided and dripping in jewels.

And so I said “I’ve loved makeup longer than I’ve loved you.”

I can appreciate a man loving my natural beauty. In fact I want that, but as visual creatures, men who tell women to stop being pretty and sexy are on some serious bullshit.

Peep the scenario: Now you are his wife, you stop all the beauty stuff and become plain ole Jane– no more heels, lip gloss, waxing,  manis and pedis, beauty shop appointments and lashes. There goes the sex, and your man looking at you with googely eyes, but you are cool because your title is wifey and he TOLD you did not need all that for his attention.

And then his attention turns to the single lady with her heels, hair and makeup game tight!

“Ya got the beans and rice and the hot ho cakes

But ya nigga still over here in my plate

I don’t want him”—E.Badu

On a serious note, this conversation made me think about all the religious laws that require women to cover up or “be natural”. No disrespect to any religion, but I think “the rules” are attempts to force women to suppress the power of their femininity. Even menstrual cycles are divine, yet man made laws have told women it is dirty. Our cycles are in tune with nature and the moon.  This why when women are really loving up on each other and true friends, we become in tune with each other and start having cycles around the same time.

The feminine is powerful energy. We can make men want us with a glance; we can enter a room and shift the energy, by just walking head held high.

The healing energy of femininity is amazing. This is why we form sister circles, have girls night out and spa days.

We are naturally healers, we are naturally beautiful and we are naturally powerful.

Whether it is religion, or a man’s insecurities men have always been trying to suppress what is so powerful about being a woman.  And thus when a woman is weak, she falls prey to the religious doctrine or her man’s rule that says –stop being and living in your feminine divinity. I pray that men stop worrying , teaching, writing books and lecturing about womanhood and start focusing on manhood!!!

Ladies, our shit is powerful and beautiful.

Makeup and perfume are an enhancement that just makes us shine a bit more bright and well I can not front makeup covers flaws.  However, it is not a cover up to your God given beauty, and it is not as old folks use to say for “fast girls” it is here to enhance the beauty of life.

“Beauty is life when life unveils her holy face. But you are life and you are the veil. Beauty is eternity gazing at itself in a mirror. But you are eternity and you are the mirror.”

― Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet

Beauty is the fun part of being a girl and the sexy part of being a woman”—Tarsha!

Tarsha: Love Day and Love Language

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A few days ago a co worker asked “What are you doing on Friday?” I looked up from keyboard and said “I don’t know why you got something going on?” She proclaimed “It’s Valentine’s Day” Oh. ”V Day” I responded “I forgot.” She gave me a side eye like she wanted to say “Bitch please you knew it was Valentine’s Day” Seriously I didn’t.

I remembered it was payday!

She proceeded to tell me all her Valentine’s Day plans, the typical dinner, romantic date, I hope will end with some good sex! 

I told her “I may go to the gym and I will probably treat myself to a cupcake” Counterproductive actions.
She shot me another sad look as she left my office, even though I reassured her I was cool with Friday being Valentine’s Day and I had no plans and don’t plan to get in plans in the next few days.
Honestly, I’ve never been a big V-day girl.

Sure I love romance and gifts, but I’ve never been girl that loved big boxes of bad chocolate and cheap looking teddy bears.

In fact, I’m not a big chocolate lover.

Sweets yes!

I love cupcakes, strawberry shortcake, carrot cake, and cookies. I also love all fruit. 

Gifts. Yes anyone who knows me well knows I love beauty. A beauty gift is a way to my heart. Books too. Thoughtful gifts is what makes my heart flutter—blame that on being a Leo.

But typical Valentine’s Day stuff, besides the flowers doesn’t do it for me.

I dated a man for 3 years whose favorite holiday is Valentine’s Day. He was a guy who lived for romance. It was nice, however after the second year with a big box of chocolate that I didn’t like because of all the weird gooey stuff in the middle, and although I loved the attention, I wanted it all through the year not just on the 14th. Naturally he got offended. The next year he only gave me a card.  By March we had broken up. I still have the card. Why? Because I love cards and keep all cards given to me.  Taking to time to write a sentiment and purchase a card is thoughtful to me.

Was Valentine’s Day the reason?

No. Years later I realized we weren’t speaking each other’s Love Language and showering me with useless gifts on a day I didn’t care for didn’t do it for me.

My favorite holidays are: New Years Eve and My Birthday. Yes My Birthday is my personal Holiday!  I’d much rather love a big romantic day on those days and save the 14th for something casual.

He was the opposite. He hated NYE never wanted to anything big and on his birthday all he wanted was his favorite BBQ wings. I always obliged and got him what he wanted to celebrate his bday, I planned NYE for us, and I even tolerated the corny V-day stuff, but he never reciprocated.

You’re probably wondering what’s my Love Language.

My highest score from the test is Quality Time. Then Receiving Gifts, Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch and Acts of Service.

 Coming home to gifts on Valentine’s day and on my Birthday giving me cash in a card he forgot to sign was showing me he didn’t get me.

At that time I had not taken this quiz, but I knew he and I was not meant to be together for the long haul. Long haul requires that folks to learn to honor their mates love language. This means learn it.

and articulate love language to your mate, as well as recognize special ways that your mate may show his/her love outside of your preferences.  

I’m happy that some folks do get me.

Last year my big sis sent me a “Move on Play List” and Lipstick for Valentines Day.

One of my best V-Day gifts. I listened to the CD straight for about 4 months. It’s on my phone, iPad, laptop and desktop at work. See it was what I needed for Valentine’s Day. A caring friend and music to help me heal a broken heart.

Another year, a co-worker gave a me a gigantic coffee mug to help me re-fuel my caffeine addiction throughout the day without having to make multiple trips to the break room.

I love that mug! BTW I also fill it up with water, chips, candy other treats in the break room.

And the simple three words that I always get on this day via text, phone or in person hearing “I Love You” is sometimes the best gift ever.

Happy Love Day!

Add taking the Love Language Test to your to-do for V-day!

 

 

Tarsha: Ten Types of Men

Get a bunch of women together over wine and we are bound to discuss the men of our past. Over the years, I’ve compiled a list of the common types that I’ve dated and shared stories with other women.

10: Married Man. I’ve already written about my experiences. Not much else to say, though a friend did ask me after reading the post “Why do married men cheat” and like a true SATC fan I said “The same reason dogs lick their balls because they can,” Samamtha Jones. Seriously, I don’t have the answers, cheating keeps relationship experts in business; a quick Google search will render whatever answer you desire.

9: Cheap Guy: He’s the guy who always wants to go dutch even though he has a great job. He’s not only cheap, but constantly complains about the quality of women “out here” that ain’t good enough so he stays single. He tells you this over the dinner he asked you to pay for……and he wonders why he’s single…..

8: Mr. Little Dick: He’s the guy who always likes to talk about sex. What he’s gonna do to you, break the bed and headboard. Yadda Yadda. He also always put Big in front of his name. Big Lou, Big Kev….. and when you finally get with Big …… You realize his Ego is Big and a Motherfucka!

7: Professional Guy: He loves to say to women “I’m a commodity” Single, black, educated and professional so he thinks he’s rare and is usually an asshole. Once I went out with a guy who asked me “How many of your boyfriends have been college educated?” I was 33 at the time. I said “Since college, all of them” He stared at me in disbelief. See these men can’t imagine that there are other men like him….SMH.  Educated and professional are accomplishments not character traits.

6: Stupid: Stupid men think their smart because they have a penis and have at one point in their lives convinced a woman of their intelligence. On a date moons ago, stupid guy told me “I believe sex is 80 percent of the relationship.” Seriously dude on a first date, when you’re goal is to get some you say this? Anyway later I ask “Who are your favorite authors or books” he stares at me like WTF. So after crickets I ask “Who are your favorite rappers” he talks for an hour arguing who is the best. He tells me months after I didn’t go out with him again that he thought I was a lesbian.

5: Afrocentric Guy to the Tenth Power: I’ve dated my share! Simply put: these men though they hate America, racism and patriarchy are some of the worse womanizers I’ve met. They spout good game in the name of the struggle and many want a tribe of children and women to show they loyalty to the culture. They also want you to stop being you—meaning having a voice, being the woman they  were attracted to and become the woman they can train.

4: Gay Straight Man: SATC fans know this episode. Seriously this is the guy that you like, perfect gentleman, great conversationalist, fashionable, educated, smart, great listener, foodie, wine and chocolate lover all that wrapped up into one guy.  He’s such a gentleman that although you go out on countless dates he never tries anything inappropriate and when he compliments you it’s on the latest fashion trend or your makeup. You decide….. gay or straight….if you must ask……

3. Good in Bed Guy: After your first time with such guy you call your girl in the bathroom at 3 am to say “I just had the best sex of my life” or when you encounter another Good in Bed Guy “you text your girls “Popsicles,” the code word for DAMN…I’m turned out! You’re addicted to the dick and you know it and sometimes that’s all you want from a guy, but soon the damn oxytocin  kicks in and then you spend months cursing his name….

2: Nice Guy AKA Adian: I think every woman has dated a nice guy when they were in their bad boy phase. My nice guy was in H.S. We worked together at grocery store. On the days when we worked the same shift until closing he would always make sure I got home safely. Nice right? And yes that’s what men are suppose to do. Here’s the real niceness. We worked on the Upper East Side of Manhattan, I lived in Brooklyn at minimum an hour away from the job, he lived in the Bronx about 40 minutes away. He would ride with me to Brooklyn, walk me home and then go back to the Bronx passing the job he just left. At minimum that was an extra 3 hour ride to get home just for making sure I got home safely. At 16 I didn’t realized how much he was saying I love you with his actions.  I graduated, went off to college and left NYC. I  often where he is today. I hope he has a wife who is happy and really appreciates him!

1: Bad Guy: AKA Mr. Big: Every woman has had a Mr. Big in their lives. He’s sexy, charismatic, manly, accomplished and exciting. He’s also emotionally unavailable and a commitment phobic. Eventually the excitement leads to a roller coaster ride with your heart. Unlike Carrie, Mr. Big’s don’t realize that you’re the love of their lives and commit. In real life you mend your broken heart, learn the lessons, start a dating blog and move on. 🙂

Tarsha: Married men….

ImageEvery single woman during her dating life will encounter the married man.

At some point during your interactions with a married man, he will announce his status with such grandeur like he’s doing you a favor by being honest.  I always snicker deep inside because it’s truly funny to hear a man who took vows justify trying to get me into MY bed, because HIS bed is crowded.

I’ve dated (not slept with) my share of married men. With the exception of my 20’s most have been men from my past, who married then years later look me up.

Last year it was an old classmate who I connected with on Facebook. During our first conversation, I asked “Are you married” he said “No” Our chats lasted a few weeks until I got the call from the wife he said he didn’t have.

Then there’s Cee who I dated over 10 years ago. Fucking Facebook is how he finds me too. Anyway he doesn’t hide his taken status, but says when I ask “why are you contacting me?” that he  misses me and wants my friendship  then asks “If he could come see me?” Seriously? After marriage, two kids and a decade later and you miss my friendship. Get the fuck out of here with that bullshit. I delete his messages and block him on Facebook.

Then there’s this guy I meet at Starbucks who is new to Chicago, were dating and I’m enjoying his company. On one date he gets a parking ticket in my neighborhood. I feel bad and offer to pay it. I take the ticket and the next day log on to pay, car is registered in his wife’s name.

And my latest married man story provoked this post, as well as conversation with a male friend/ confidante who told me “They think you’re desperate enough to sleep with and deal with their bull shit because you a single, childless black woman”

Hmmmm is that it?

Well Alli and I went out over 14 years ago. Good date, nice guy nothing happened after our date. Friend zone. We would bump into each other over the years, reminding me that Chicago is one big country city.

Recently he hit me up and asked me out. I accepted. I realized with that acceptance I was over Mr. R. I was ready to date!

And we had a good time! I was out with a man who loved wine and good conversation. Nice night.

A week later at 2 am in my apt he tells me he’s married and reminds me that he told me that during one of our run-ins.

At that moment I think ok here’s another man thinking he’s doing me a favor by confessing his marital status, thus anything that happens automatically makes it okay—he’s off the hook because he told me.

I ask him “If you’re married why are you here” and “Why did you ask me out” I can’t remember his response I just remember that he muttered I wanted to let you know early in… upfront….yadda yadda. Early would have been when he asked me out, but I didn’t say that. In fact how about say “I’m married looking for an affair you down with that?” Rather than go out on a date like a single man. Ok I digress…. I knew then nothing would happen between us. I’m not the chick to have affairs.

Unfortunately, what I didn’t do was cut all ties. I continued to talk to him and hang out. I enjoyed his company. When I confide in a friend about it she said “be careful and have fun”  I remarked, “have fun? She said” “life is short enjoy the interactions you have with people, clearly you two enjoy each other and so enjoy hanging out with him” and so I did. I was mindful of how I interacted with him. No sexual innuendos, I didn’t call him pet names and when I saw him I gave him hugs but no kisses on the mouth.

One night I met him at a club. We had a good time I enjoyed his company and I knew that night I was time to say goodbye. Why? Because the attraction was strong and when there’s sexual attraction, it hard to be just friends. So I slowly started diminishing my contact.

Until last weekend when he showed up at my crib.

I didn’t turn him away, though I should have.  I had told him he couldn’t just come over, that was reserved for the man in my life.

We enjoyed a night of wine, snacks and conversation and then like it normally does when a man and woman are alone at 4 am together intimacy starts, but I’m not into it at all.  My body may have been turned on temporarily, but my mind is turned off, completely.

See I know Alli and all the men from my past like me because I’m a good woman. I’m pretty, sexy smart, kind, righteous and conscious of my blackness and culture, and my womanhood.  They can talk to me, hang out and be themselves.

I’m not a jump-off, or side-chick. They know this yet want me to take on that role in their lives, because they are good black men and well aint’ enough of those as the media tell us, so share them with their wives—as a side piece. It’s selfish!

I chuckle as I write this because a male friend told me “A good black man would be at home with his wife”

Anyway I knew that night, it was time to stop enjoying time with Alli and that we could not be friends.  I had already told him my feelings about dealing with him, but because my actions didn’t coincide I realize he thought I was settling into being a mistress.

Also, I let go of a golden rule with him….Don’t let a man into your living space if you’re not really feeling him and ready for intimacy.  Men take the invite, or their popping up and you letting them in as a “yes” she wants this.

But even though I’m single and actually don’t see marriage in the near future, and sometimes I get horny and lonely,  I’m not sleeping with a man who has to jump up minutes after ejaculating to go home.

The dick just isn’t that damn good!!!

My male confidant asked me “Why would a woman do that” meaning be with married men. I said “For various reasons. And that sometimes love really exists in these unions, but overall, I believe that a woman who is truly happy with her life and herself would not settle for a married man, even if she loved him”

And sometimes many women settle for the benefit to being a side chick.  Depends on the woman as to what the benefit is and how it serves her life.  I joked with my male friend “If he has Puff Daddy money then maybe:-)”

See I’m too old to fall for the sweet nothings and the bullshit married men spout easily. It’s easier as I told Alli for them to be emotional about feelings because they have nothing to lose.

But if he had Puff Daddy money maybe I can deal with his middle aged balding and big ole gut as well as listen to his issues/ stories because I’ll listen while laying in a bed in a 5star hotel in Thailand, all expenses paid.

However most men seeking affairs can only offer dinner, sweet nothings and sex. There’s nothing for a woman out of this deal unless he has some dough to soothe the lack of emotional security and intimacy a relationship provides.

In my twenties I had a brief affair with a married man (the only time). When I broke it off he asked “What can another man give you that I can’t”. I laugh as I write this. My response “it’s not what they can give me but what I give…. I can never give you me, my heart.”

On the other hand, If a woman chooses to be with a married man, she is not doing anything wrong. She is single. Single equals I can do whatever the fuck I want to with whomever.  He’s married and took the vows and is violating his commitment to his wife…not her. It’s sad though, when a single woman respects marital vows more than the married man.

Seriously, folks need to realize, single, black and childless does not mean unhappy.

Unhappy are these married men seeking an escape from their lives.

Ladies  don’t settle……He isn’t worth it, even if you love him.  And don’t believe the media hype, there are so many more available sexy men out here!

I’ve got my eye on one…

I’m back dating and will keep y’all posted…..

Tasha: Online Dating Profile Pics

I am not proud of it but I  sometimes laugh at pics guys put on their online dating profiles.  I wonder what type of woman they think would be interested in seeing pictures of them with other women, half naked, or looking strung out. Yes, of course, there are women that find these pictures attractive but we have a word for them which I won’t repeat in this blog.  Here are five picture types in my opinion should never be in a guy’s dating profile:

1. The obvious – picture with another female or worse the pic with the arm around someone that is cutoff. Even if that is their sister or a friend it’s perceived as either they are too lazy to find a good pic or you are still into your ex that you had to keep that picture. 

2. One that they took at arms length. For facebook amongst friends that is okay but if every picture is the person taking it of themselves makes me wonder if they have friends or at least enough people skills to ask someone to take a photo of them.

3. The one with the shirt off.  This may be highly debated but even if the guy has an incredible body to put a picture of it for thousands to see there is a hint of narcissm and looseness. It leaves nothing to the imagination and says I have nothing else to impress you. Besides 9 out of 10 pics without a shirt I see, I am not impressed.

4. The portfolio of picture that span 10 years. This is saying that a decade ago I was HOT! but not so much now. What the heck does that do for me especially if both our profiles says we both don’t want kids? If we date I have to look at face of the guy now. He has to look at my face now.  Let’s keep that picture within the last year. I don’t take pictures often so 1 yr. is okay.

5. The one where you can’t really see the person. If I wanted to see a picture of a speck on a mountaintop I would used Google not an online dating site. I was on a profile where he took a pic of himself in the mirror and his hand and camera hid his face. BTW he did have his shirt off and looked very good but still…