Every single woman during her dating life will encounter the married man.
At some point during your interactions with a married man, he will announce his status with such grandeur like he’s doing you a favor by being honest. I always snicker deep inside because it’s truly funny to hear a man who took vows justify trying to get me into MY bed, because HIS bed is crowded.
I’ve dated (not slept with) my share of married men. With the exception of my 20’s most have been men from my past, who married then years later look me up.
Last year it was an old classmate who I connected with on Facebook. During our first conversation, I asked “Are you married” he said “No” Our chats lasted a few weeks until I got the call from the wife he said he didn’t have.
Then there’s Cee who I dated over 10 years ago. Fucking Facebook is how he finds me too. Anyway he doesn’t hide his taken status, but says when I ask “why are you contacting me?” that he misses me and wants my friendship then asks “If he could come see me?” Seriously? After marriage, two kids and a decade later and you miss my friendship. Get the fuck out of here with that bullshit. I delete his messages and block him on Facebook.
Then there’s this guy I meet at Starbucks who is new to Chicago, were dating and I’m enjoying his company. On one date he gets a parking ticket in my neighborhood. I feel bad and offer to pay it. I take the ticket and the next day log on to pay, car is registered in his wife’s name.
And my latest married man story provoked this post, as well as conversation with a male friend/ confidante who told me “They think you’re desperate enough to sleep with and deal with their bull shit because you a single, childless black woman”
Hmmmm is that it?
Well Alli and I went out over 14 years ago. Good date, nice guy nothing happened after our date. Friend zone. We would bump into each other over the years, reminding me that Chicago is one big country city.
Recently he hit me up and asked me out. I accepted. I realized with that acceptance I was over Mr. R. I was ready to date!
And we had a good time! I was out with a man who loved wine and good conversation. Nice night.
A week later at 2 am in my apt he tells me he’s married and reminds me that he told me that during one of our run-ins.
At that moment I think ok here’s another man thinking he’s doing me a favor by confessing his marital status, thus anything that happens automatically makes it okay—he’s off the hook because he told me.
I ask him “If you’re married why are you here” and “Why did you ask me out” I can’t remember his response I just remember that he muttered I wanted to let you know early in… upfront….yadda yadda. Early would have been when he asked me out, but I didn’t say that. In fact how about say “I’m married looking for an affair you down with that?” Rather than go out on a date like a single man. Ok I digress…. I knew then nothing would happen between us. I’m not the chick to have affairs.
Unfortunately, what I didn’t do was cut all ties. I continued to talk to him and hang out. I enjoyed his company. When I confide in a friend about it she said “be careful and have fun” I remarked, “have fun? She said” “life is short enjoy the interactions you have with people, clearly you two enjoy each other and so enjoy hanging out with him” and so I did. I was mindful of how I interacted with him. No sexual innuendos, I didn’t call him pet names and when I saw him I gave him hugs but no kisses on the mouth.
One night I met him at a club. We had a good time I enjoyed his company and I knew that night I was time to say goodbye. Why? Because the attraction was strong and when there’s sexual attraction, it hard to be just friends. So I slowly started diminishing my contact.
Until last weekend when he showed up at my crib.
I didn’t turn him away, though I should have. I had told him he couldn’t just come over, that was reserved for the man in my life.
We enjoyed a night of wine, snacks and conversation and then like it normally does when a man and woman are alone at 4 am together intimacy starts, but I’m not into it at all. My body may have been turned on temporarily, but my mind is turned off, completely.
See I know Alli and all the men from my past like me because I’m a good woman. I’m pretty, sexy smart, kind, righteous and conscious of my blackness and culture, and my womanhood. They can talk to me, hang out and be themselves.
I’m not a jump-off, or side-chick. They know this yet want me to take on that role in their lives, because they are good black men and well aint’ enough of those as the media tell us, so share them with their wives—as a side piece. It’s selfish!
I chuckle as I write this because a male friend told me “A good black man would be at home with his wife”
Anyway I knew that night, it was time to stop enjoying time with Alli and that we could not be friends. I had already told him my feelings about dealing with him, but because my actions didn’t coincide I realize he thought I was settling into being a mistress.
Also, I let go of a golden rule with him….Don’t let a man into your living space if you’re not really feeling him and ready for intimacy. Men take the invite, or their popping up and you letting them in as a “yes” she wants this.
But even though I’m single and actually don’t see marriage in the near future, and sometimes I get horny and lonely, I’m not sleeping with a man who has to jump up minutes after ejaculating to go home.
The dick just isn’t that damn good!!!
My male confidant asked me “Why would a woman do that” meaning be with married men. I said “For various reasons. And that sometimes love really exists in these unions, but overall, I believe that a woman who is truly happy with her life and herself would not settle for a married man, even if she loved him”
And sometimes many women settle for the benefit to being a side chick. Depends on the woman as to what the benefit is and how it serves her life. I joked with my male friend “If he has Puff Daddy money then maybe:-)”
See I’m too old to fall for the sweet nothings and the bullshit married men spout easily. It’s easier as I told Alli for them to be emotional about feelings because they have nothing to lose.
But if he had Puff Daddy money maybe I can deal with his middle aged balding and big ole gut as well as listen to his issues/ stories because I’ll listen while laying in a bed in a 5star hotel in Thailand, all expenses paid.
However most men seeking affairs can only offer dinner, sweet nothings and sex. There’s nothing for a woman out of this deal unless he has some dough to soothe the lack of emotional security and intimacy a relationship provides.
In my twenties I had a brief affair with a married man (the only time). When I broke it off he asked “What can another man give you that I can’t”. I laugh as I write this. My response “it’s not what they can give me but what I give…. I can never give you me, my heart.”
On the other hand, If a woman chooses to be with a married man, she is not doing anything wrong. She is single. Single equals I can do whatever the fuck I want to with whomever. He’s married and took the vows and is violating his commitment to his wife…not her. It’s sad though, when a single woman respects marital vows more than the married man.
Seriously, folks need to realize, single, black and childless does not mean unhappy.
Unhappy are these married men seeking an escape from their lives.
Ladies don’t settle……He isn’t worth it, even if you love him. And don’t believe the media hype, there are so many more available sexy men out here!
I’ve got my eye on one…
I’m back dating and will keep y’all posted…..
tashaandtarsha 